


Value of Life

by Shades_of_Shadow



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Drinking, F/M, Hogwarts Astronomy Tower, Lily feels bad, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Men Crying, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Severus Snape Needs a Hug, Suicide Attempt, non-canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:33:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24458257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shades_of_Shadow/pseuds/Shades_of_Shadow
Summary: Lily Evans was in her last year of Hogwarts, and everything was good. She felt prepared for her NEWTS year, she had a boyfriend in James Potter and she was happy. Then, on her headgirl patrol, she finds Severus Snape ready to end his life.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans, Severus Snape/Lily Evans
Comments: 10
Kudos: 67





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So implied child abuse, nothing graphic. Sucide attempt.ish. Please do not read if will trigger.
> 
> I apologise for all spelling mistakes, errors and if sentences dont make sense. English is my only langauge- so I really have no excuse. 
> 
> enjoy x

Lily Evans walked down the third-floor corridor towards her charms class with great anticipation. Today Flitwick had promised for them to start trying experimental charms- although only harmless colour influencing ones, before more technical flame proofing ones. This is was her 7th and final year at Hogwarts and she could hardly believe it. She had managed to keep up with all her work, intern at a Magical Spell and Runes company in America over the summer and even found love with the ever-infuriating James Potter. He seemed to have matured slightly she supposed, although that may have to do with his Uncle, Aunt and cousin being killed a few months ago. Lily smiled to herself, thinking about how she had found James comforting a first year at the start of term.

Suddenly her arm was grabbed from the side, she was spun around to face the person- although with the reflexes of a seeker she had her wand pointed at them. Then she saw who it was. She glared at him furiously. 

“What do you want Snape?” 

Inwardly she flinched at her tone and her use of his surname. But she couldn’t regret it. She wouldn’t. He deserved this; their friendship was over. 

Snape looked uncomfortable and checked either ends of the corridor before speaking. 

“Can we.. could we maybe ... talk?” 

Lily frowned. That was the most ineloquent sentence she had ever heard from Severus. He didn’t look great either- greasy hair falling either side of his pale and thin face. Lily pushed her misgivings away however; she would not go through this again. He hadn’t talked to her since beginning of sixth year- over a year! No, they were no longer friends. 

“No. Nothing has changed. We have nothing to say to each other.” 

Lily turned her back and took three steps before hearing a very quiet word which stopped her to a standstill. 

“Please..” 

He sounded so broken, so alone, he needed her- he never said please like that. She made to turn around, but the memory, the echo of Severus snarled mouth calling her a... she hardened her heart and kept her back to him. 

“We all had our chances and choices Snape. You have already chosen yours.” 

Lily walked quickly away, not glancing back to see her one-time best friend standing still in the middle of the corridor. 

**** 

Lily hadn’t enjoyed charms as much as she thought. She didn’t enjoy Transfiguration afterward, nor dinner, nor James’ attempt to cheer her up from her ‘mood’. She wanted to push the feel in her stomach away, but it had settled there like a dumbbell, weighing her down. She had this ever-growing sense that something was wrong or that she had been wrong. She was currently walking her patrols of the corridors, it was late and dark, the passageways cold and silent apart from the slight wind whistling through them and her footsteps. 

Severus had rejected her. He had promised when he first explained to her what that word was that he would never, never call her that. They had been so young, and she had been so upset as he explained the prejudices, the names and discrimination against those like her. He had held her hand, a rare moment of physical contact for them, and promised to not do that to her ever. 

He broke that promise. He had been avoiding her for weeks before that day. Refusing to talk to her, coming up with excuses why they couldn’t meet or talk. She’d seen him talking to at that time 7th year Slytherins- the ones who had joined Him. He had chosen. He had and they were no longer friends. 

So why did she feel this dread. 

Lily wondered the halls for another 20 minutes and was about to head towards the common room and bed when she saw a door was slightly open. It was the door to the astronomy tower. It was supposed to be locked. 

Lily frowned as she headed towards it. It could have been an accident- a mere moment of carelessness from Professor Zintor, the old approaching retirement teacher. She sighed, as head girl it was her duty to check. But it was such a lot of stairs! She wearily started her ascension. 

Many steps later a much harder breathing Lily stepped onto the top of the tower. She half scanned the area convinced there would be no one here. Then she saw a figure. 

Sitting on the railings, glass bottle in their grip - swaying in the freezing breeze. All the air was pushed from her lungs as she saw who it was sitting there. Sitting on the wrong side of the railings. 

“Severus?” 

He swung his face around, lily wanted to gasp as he momentarily looked like he was going to lose his balance. A huge sloppy and slightly bitter grin spread across his face as he cried out “Lily! Or shoulds I call you Evans- cause weerre not friendss. Nope not friendsss.” The smile fell from his face and he took another swig of the glass bottle which was only a quarter full of a clear liquid. It wasn’t water. 

Lily was shocked. She’d never seen him like this, he was he was “Are you drunk!?” 

Snape actually giggled at this. Lily blinked- giggled! 

“Yep, hopeso - second bottle tooo! The other onesss down there lookkk!” Severus leaned forward pointing down off the precipice of the tower to the ground far far below. Lily yelped- 

“Don’t do that! You’ll fall you idiot!” Her heart was pounding a hundred miles an hour when he had done that. 

Snape gave a bitter bark laugh 

“That’s the plan!” 

Lily’s heart seemed to stop. She hadn’t expected that. That wasn’t what this was. No. 

Snape started humming Humpty Dumpty as he took another sip from the bottle. 

“Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a big fall...” 

“What!!!?” Lily wanted to slap herself at her response, although Severus just looked over at her like he had forgotten she was here at all. 

“Well I suppose Jump rather than Fall is you wantsss to be tech, techni - technical!” He smiled pleased “ just needss sum liquis courage!” And took another swig of the bottle. 

Lily wasn’t sure she was breathing. An echo of his earlier plea echoed through her mind. 

“Why Sev? I mean ... why?” 

Any happiness that had been on his face disappeared. He seemed to age, although Lily knew that wasn’t quite true. His face was returning to its normal state. Lily felt her heart break slightly at that realisation. 

“It’s the best option. Only way. And doesn’t really matter does it. No one to miss.” 

Lily wanted to say that she would. But couldn’t quite form the words- after her cold dismissal this afternoon she just ... couldn’t. 

“But your parents...” 

She trailed off at the dark scowl that covered Severus’ face. She knew that she didn’t get on with them, but apart from that she didn’t know them. Well except everyone in the area knew that Severus’ dad liked to drink at the pub - laughing, joking and what not. His mum had always smiled at her though- she couldn’t work out why he was scowling or how he could think they wouldn’t miss him. 

“I mean your mum Sev, she would miss you. I know she would.” 

She watched as his face crumpled and his eyes watered. Maybe she had got through to him? 

“She’s gone, Lils. The dead don’t miss the living. The living miss the gone.” 

Lily’s mouth was open, unable to process what he had said. 

“ I.. o’Sev I didn’t knowt. I mean, how? ... when?” 

Severus shrugged taking another sip of the bottle. 

“Fifth year, three days before the end of term. As for how...” an ugly scowl appeared on his face “my daddy dearest did it, she died and I wasn’t ... I wasn’t there. Three days and I could have been there. I could have distracted him, she would be ... but I wasn’t” 

Horror washed over Lily listening to her childhood friend. How had she not known! The end of fifth year! And his father? He was looking out over the edge again longingly. She forced herself to swallow, she couldn’t let him go- she never could. 

“It wasn’t your fault Severus. You can’t blame yourself, you can’t do this because of it” 

He looked blankly at her 

“I’m not.” 

“What?” Lily asked confused 

“I’m not doing this because he killed her.” Lily flinched at that. “I’m not even doing this cause of what he does to me, or what he makes me do” Severus shivered at the latter statement. Lily decided to ignore that to focus on the more important question. 

“Then why Sev?” 

Severus shrugged. And Lily found anger rising in her. 

“That’s not good enough Severus! You can’t just shrug your shoulders and think that you don’t have to explain! Tell me!” 

Lily breathed in heavily and glared at her best friend. Whose eyes had only slightly focused and were still rather glazed. 

“I don’t want to be a monster Lils. I don’t want to live like this. I just don’t want this life. I’m not needed here. My life isn’t important, it’s worthless and I’d rather die. I’d rather be dead than alive Lils, it’s not guilt or anger or loss, it’s not the pain or the fear- there’s nothing here for me. I don’t want my future. I don’t want to live.” 

Lily took a series of shallow sharp breaths. She felt like Severus had just punched her several times in the chest. She hurt like he had done so- every word he uttered, said so sincerely, not a trace of sarcasm or snark. So completely and utterly broken. 

“It’s not.” She said. 

“What?” Severus asked confused by her remark. 

“Your life, it’s not. Not unimportant, not worthless. And I would rather have you alive.” 

Severus face seemed to relax at her words, like he’d just had a calming draught. He looked longingly at her and seemed like he wanted to move towards her when... he seemed to shake himself and took another swig of the bottle. 

“I miss you Lils, that’s exactly what I would like her to say. She’s not right through, my life isn’t worth a single point or detention.” 

Lily was a mass of confusion, what did he mean mumbling like she wasn’t even here, like she wasn’t ...real? 

“Sev, you know I’m real right? That I’m right here?” 

Severus sighed, “no you’re not, you’re my brain hallucinating from Vodka Illusions Liquor.” He turned the bottle over -“if drunk in excess may induce dream like illusions or hallucinations... see? Your not her, she’s not here.” 

Lily’s mouth was open yet again. What the hell?! He thought she was an illusion! How did she convince him.. but he was speaking again. 

“But I’m glad she’s not. I don’t want her to see me like this. Not her. I don’t want her to know what I ... she won’t know.” 

“Know what?” She couldn’t help herself, feeling slightly guilty about tricking him. 

Severus looked through and seemingly behind her- then shrugged and said: 

“Everything really, my father killing mum, him... he” Severus took another gulp of Illusion Liquor “he always hated me, hated magic- he thought it would make him rich, marrying mum... it didn’t.” he took a few deep breaths before continuing... “He was never sober, spent all the money- we almost starved a few times... Did you know Mum wasn’t allowed to leave the house for a couple of years?” 

Lily felt like she was slightly in shock- almost starved- more than once! How had she missed all of this? But she responded by just shaking her head in the negative. 

Severus sighed “I hid everything he did Lils, to her to me. He hurt her most to start with, but then my accidental magic started... he didn’t like that I was an unnatural freak. That I was his son and a freak. I was an embarrassment. He used to...” he gulped. 

Lily’s eyes had filled with tears that she was trying to blink away. 

“It hurt so bad... once he started, he wouldn’t stop till he, till he was tired. Everything he... anything he picked up- belt, bottle, chair, fists, lamps... he was sooo so.” 

Severus trailed off, unable to articulate or unwilling to finish. But he turned his head to face Lily after a pause. 

“It was this look he got in his eyes Lil, they went wide, more white than colour- just rage and anger- pinprick pupils and I just never knew if he would stop... wrath and madness.” He breathed in “I’m glad I got my mums eyes” 

There was silence between them, and Lily didn’t know how to break it. She was thrown back to summer before fourth year, when Petunia had called her a Freak. She had cried for hours on Severus’ shoulder- as she hiccuped how she didn’t understand why her sister was rejecting her. He hadn’t said much ... but how had he been able to listen to her heartbreak if this had been his life at the time? How had she never known? Was she really that obtuse and oblivious? 

Severus looked out into the darkened landscape. 

“And it all got worse after she died...” 

Lily’s heart plummeted- worse, how could it get worse? Lily felt like her throat had closed up as she couldn’t force words to come- thankfully Severus didn’t seem to need them. 

“I was having nightmares you see, about that night. I kept waking loudly. I just couldn’t stop it. He hated it. But I guess almost dying gives you a few nightmares” Severus gave a bitter laugh “ not that he cared about the why- only that I was disturbing his sleep. He... he” 

Lily, pushing the dying thing aside for now, asked very softly 

“He What Sev?” 

Severus looked somewhere over her shoulder, took a shaky breath in before continuing. 

“He decided it was time that I earnt some money. Earnt my keep. But you know the area- there’s no work going, especially for someone like me. So he... he thought of something I was good for.” 

Lily saw a tears start to fall down his face. She knew this couldn’t be good, she hadn’t seen him cry ever, but she hadn’t seen much had she. But this... she dreaded what he was going to say. Severus was no longer looking at her but out again to the darkness. Bottle forgotten almost still gripped tightly in his hand. 

“He always called me a Pansy, his pansy son- he didn’t like that my hair was long- never listened that it was wizard custom. He thought it- he thought that if I looked like a girl then I could...” 

He trailed off into silence, looking down at his lap, shoulders hunched over. 

“Sev..” Lily said softly wanting to prompt him onwards, but he seemed to fold in on himself further. “It’s okay- what ever happened- I, I won’t tell anyone- just between us okay, always” 

He seemed to loosen slightly as she spoke. Another minute of silence before he continued in a small quite voice. “He thought that if I looked like a girl then I could,” he gulped “ I could spread my legs like one” he finished as a whisper. 

Lily couldn’t breathe. Her vision was blurring, and she just simply couldn’t breathe. She wanted to react but the horror of what she had just heard... and Sev was looking so ashamed. And she couldn’t speak, and he looked at her imploringly- 

“ I didn’t want to, I swear I didn’t, he made me, he made me please, I’m sorry” he begged. 

Her shock shattered. Anger like nothing she had ever felt coursed through her veins, it was molten lava which rose through her, burning the shock, the horror and leaving fury and fire in its wake. That piece of scum had forced her friend, forced him to degrade himself, used him to the point where he was crying, begging and apologising. 

“Severus Snape you better listen closely to me,” she begun, her voice hard and fierce. He looked at her fearfully, and Lily realised that she could so easily break him in this moment. She paused and made her voice not reflect the volcano inside. “It was never ever your fault. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for.” She took a step closer, and place both her hands on his which still clung to the bottle. He shivered. Calmly and softly she said “and I believe you. I know you didn’t want to. I believe he made you. I am never going to leave you again. So you better not leave me either.” 

Severus looked shell shocked- wide eyed he looked at her, and in such a hesitant voice he said one word. “Lily?” 

She smiled, even though she felt like her heart was broken, and nodded, tears in both their eyes. 

“You’re here,” he said in wonderment “you’re real?” 

She slowly moved one of her hands to Cup his cheek, letting him see the movement the entire time. Giving him enough time to say no, or flinch away. He didn’t. 

“Yes, I’m real, I’m here and I’m not leaving you ever again.” 

A sob broke out from Severus mouth, followed by another and another. Suddenly Severus was over the barrier- the right side and clinging to lily. They both sunk to the floor as Severus cried and sobbed into her shoulder- leaning against the barrier that separated them from the fall behind. 

Lily rocking him, murmured reassurances constantly, while the only thing Sev could repeat was Lily’s name. Over and over again. In between sobs that showed a lifetime of pain


	2. 'I refuse to be a monster'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus tells Lily the real reason he has to jump. Lily isn't convinced.

Time passed. Severus wasn’t quite sure how much. But somehow it had and his tears were lessening... he was so tired, so exhausted that he felt more tears peeking out just from thinking about how tired he was, which led to why he was tired, why he was crying and clinging so desperately to his first friend. Lily. She was here. She knew. That hadn’t been the plan- he was supposed to have.. but she had asked him not to, or told him- she didn’t hate him, wasting disgusted. Everything was so confusing and tiring. He was alive. That wasn’t the plan. O Merlin, she knew- and it was ….

okay. How could it be okay? nothing was okay! Hadn’t been okay in years. And he had told her everything, except what had actually made him come up here. Every truth except the darkness of his nightmares and his future ones. He may have her now he realised, more tears leaking from him, but it wouldn’t help. She couldn’t help. He had to do it. Taking courage from the warmth he felt from her embrace he pulled himself to do it. To explain. 

Lily felt Severus pull slightly away and fought her initial response to not let him move an inch. She kept her arms around him though but allowed him space. She realised she had been stroking his hair. A stray thought of what crude joke James or Sirius would make at that made her wince. Somehow, she had forgotten or ignored their insults towards her friend. She couldn’t help feeling that she had failed in every aspect at being Severus’ friend. That thought was instantly confirmed after its completion with Severus stating 

“I still have to do it Lils” 

Her grip tightened reflexively, and she felt his whole-body flinch slightly as a response. But she had at once comprehended what he was attempting to discuss. 

“No.” Her voice, she felt, left no room for argument: no she would not let him; no he will not attempt to and no it was not an option. All that and more was covered in her two-letter speech. Of course, Sev had always been able to see what she was saying even when she hadn’t said it. He would get it all from that little word she was sure. 

Apparently not. 

“Lils I have to. You don’t know...” 

“I may not know what you’ve been though but Sev you can’t do this because of-“ 

“It’s not because of... that, him. I told you it’s something else” 

Lily paused. She was still clinging to him afraid if she let go, he would disappear. In less than a minute their roles had been reversed, he was not clinging to her but her to him. She took a breath and broke down the statement - ‘I told you’ meat that he had already said it. She thought back over the conversation on the knifes edge of jumping and falling, of life and death where the breeze and balance controlled the fate of her friend. 

“You don’t want to be a monster” she whispered as she remembered. 

Severus eyes filled but he blinked them back- holding Lily’s hand he gripped it as tightly as she was holding him. “I refuse to be a monster” 

Lily almost felt relieved at the strength in his voice, except it was a strength directed towards his plan that she thought she had thwarted. She wanted to ask or say a million things, but she contained herself. She needed to know his argument to disabuse him of the apparent benefits of suicide. 

“Explain” was all she said, and it came out not as the strong demand she had intended it to be, but as a plea, desperate to keep her first friend of this world. 

Severus smiled. He loved looking in those eyes and seeing everything that she couldn’t or wouldn’t say. He could see the hundred questions and yells she wanted to let loose, the fire constantly burning in her. ‘She’s like fire dancing... I never wanted to dampen those flames’ he thought. But he knew he had to explain even if those flames lessened - because he could also see her pain, at not understanding, of losing him. He felt his heart mend and break at the same time. She loved him, and it wasn’t enough to save him. He was going to break her. Grief washed over him as he admitted for the first time that perhaps Potter would be better for her than him. He had thoughts of his inferiority compared to her for years- how he was no good for her, and she would do better than him a million times over. But this was different- this wasn’t that he wasn’t good enough for her, wasn’t that he wasn’t handsome enough or clever or rich, wasn’t that he was disgusting from.. he blanched away from the memories. No it was that in her loving him he could hurt her whereas her ... loving Potter couldn’t. He gritted his teeth and used his skills in occlumency to push away his ever pain filled heart. 

“I don’t want to be a monster, I refuse to be. But that means that I have to refuse  him.  “ 

Lily looked at him confused. “Your father?” 

Severus grimaced. “No Lily, not him- the Dark Lord” 

Lily’s mouth dropped open in horror. Fear so different from the rest of the evening washed through her. Severus continued 

“He’s invited me to join his Death Eaters. He was so persuasive- he fed on the hatred of my father and offered things” 

“Things?” Lily echoed softly, meeting Severus eyes. He looked ashamed. 

“He offered to arrange my apprenticeship in potions, to finance my mastery and any further education that I choose.” 

Lily’s mouth dropped open again but in understanding. These things she knew took connections and money that often only purebloods had, and without which gaining such credentials was near impossible. And it was Severus’s greatest ambition. He had told her when he was 10 that he was either going to be an auror or a healer. One because of his fascination with defensive spells, the other for his love of potions. Over the years she had becomes worried with his proficiency in DADA but it seemed he had chosen a different path. She almost wanted to be happy for his choice except it was wrapped up in his apparent involvement with a mass murderer. All that came out in response therefore was a small 

“O’h” 

“ Indeed, I thought it was perfect - escape my father etc. He always downplayed his pure blood theology. But the last time I was invited along to a celebration” his voice went dark at the last word and Lily found herself gulping. 

“ such an event should never be called that. They were torturing muggles. Casting such dark spells, so dark they are almost Daemon magic” Severus shivered “ And there were children, as young as five and they were screaming and crying as those monsters hurt and tore and rap-“ Severus chocked. 

And suddenly Lily understood. He wanted to get away from such darkness, away from what his father was. The dark lord had promised education and probably lies about bettering the world- making sure no magical child would suffer like Severus. And the dark lord had misjudged Severus. Because Severus did not hate all muggles, although the hatred of his father suggested otherwise. And he had always, always been kind to children. 

She remembered sitting in the park late one night when she was only 13- staying out later than normal because of an argument with Petunia. She’d seen a few dealers in the distance and had scampered up a tree. 

When they got closer, she could see them dragging an eight-year-old boy with them. Apparently, the boy had messed up something with an order or delivery. They were talking about how they were going to hang him up from the swings and beat him bloody. Lily had frozen with fear. And then Sev was there- talking to the leader- getting in his face about beating on a kid- distracting them then grabbing the kid and sprinting away. Lily had seen him the next day a shadow of a bruise on his cheek- she had asked what had happened playing dumb. Instead of explaining he had launched into an anti muggle speech that sufficiently distracted her, and which he had let her win. A week later she had heard that the police had busted a huge drug ring in the area. How had she forgotten so much in the face of one word. 

Severus could never be one of them, even before every death eater reminded him of his father’s perverse actions. 

“I couldn’t, I won’t, I can’t...” apparently his strength only lasted so long. Not that Lily could blame him. 

“No and you never could have.” She met his eye again “I know you and you are no monster” 

Severus gulped, twice as he held back from completely breaking down again. Her trust meant more to him than anything, her opinion more than his life. O’ and he knew that wasn’t exactly healthy or balanced, but she was one of the only ones who had ever given a damn about him and he couldn’t help his love for her. He swallowed and tried to continue. 

“ I won’t... I would be expected to act in similar manners if I was to accept. To not accept means rejecting his offer- and I am under no misapprehensions to what that would mean for me and the few he knows me to care about. I cannot hide from him, faking my death would hardly work seeing as I have no resources to create a new identity- but actually dying...” he took a shaky breath “ it protects yo- everybody, and I mean no one will mis- well apart from well.” He paused, daring now to look towards Lily “I can’t find another way Lils, it’s the only way” he said softly “ and I would prefer to do it myself than permit the horrors that he would inflict upon my body and mind before granting death.” 

O’ how he wished he could not read her so well. It was not legilmency, just the ability to see her hopes and love and pain and grief. And her ever spinning thoughts trying to find a solution that could not be found. 


End file.
